Tuesday, February 20, 2024

Changes

     I've been going through a lot in the last three years, it has been a period that I wouldn't even survive if it wasn't for friends who were there in times of need. I am thinking how much I lost but at the same time how much I earned through the mere fact of living, living is one of the most revolutionary things you can do in this world.

    In a little bit over 24 hours we will be applying to a marriage license, I honestly thought that wasn't going to happen ever, I was in a state of fear and survival and I finally feel is leaving my existence. I'm thinking how much life has changed in the last 14 years, more to be precise in the last 16. 15 and a half years ago I was arriving to the United States in an airplane by Avianca, the views of the keys are one of the first memories I have from that period of time, then the metropolis that is Miami-Dade, then the long road we took to Tampa Bay, then back to Miami, then back to Tampa, from Tampa eventually Gainesville and later in the outskirt's of the aforementioned city.

    Is a long road from Cartagena to where I am now, yet it feels that tomorrow was only yesterday and yesterday wasn't 16 years ago but rather a couple of nights ago. I am trying to think what I have done to survive, and yet I want to stop thinking about surviving and simply enjoy life like anyone else. I've been with Josh for 14 years at this moment that you are reading this, it hasn't been easy as the two of us we have struggled with mental health over the years but since the two of us going to treatment there has been a change.

    My biggest fear when I started my own family was if I was going to repeat the same mistakes my progenitors did? I didn't knew, my parents made a lot of mistake same as my grandparents, they pushed people out of their lives out of mere pettiness, I did for a long time the same thing as them and pushed people out of my life because I didn't see them use in my life, and saw the idea of family as a fa├žade to hide any behavior, I knew I had my own little family and yet I neglected it for a good number of years because I was scared of the concept based on my previous experiences.

    I never imagine getting married, this is as public as I plan to do it, and yet on 2/21/2024 we are going to be getting a marriage license and that's a big step because my relationship is not the same as my progenitors where time was nothing and there was no meaning of living and learning together. I don't know what life will bring, nobody knows but I feel at peace that I am living mine to the fullest because a lot of people in the community couldn't be their own authentic selves. I don't know how to say it, but living to the fullest is an act of revolution. 

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