Friday, August 15, 2014

Me and My Shadows: An Open Letter About Depression
The words I always remember from a close relative I will not discuss over here, as her memories of her aren't the best ones are "You are not suffering from depression, you are just a sensitive individual." I guess she was in the denial, that I was acting erratic and someone who was a psychologist treating me as if I was less than anyone else even if by age 17 I had three suicide attempts and the all the windows from the house had to be placed with bars for a long time without no proper explanation, with the exception that it was safer.

Safer for who.? She replied, for everyone inside. I couldn't understood back then, because we used to live in an eight floor, so many years later I assumed it was for me, to avoid doing something stupid as she mentioned several times later on my life.

The best way I can describe moments of my personality are as a puzzle who breaks in more than 100,000 pieces and it takes a lot of time to reassemble. All the cases are different, people know when I am having one of those moments because my personality simmers and I essentially become quiet; I am quite of an open book on how I am feeling and I barely hide anything.

Environment is a factor, and just every day that it pass that is well lived is a victory. Not many people realize that, they take everything for granted and just bitch about anything. I'd seen it on a daily basis. I get annoyed by how society is teaching the younger generations that everything is served on a silver platter and that they don't have to work for anything.

Life is too precious and yet when the shadows surround you you lose track of anything, there is no tomorrow, and sometimes is hard to find the light that will keep you moving in tunnel of darkness. Between 2012 and 2013, I had two attempts that I failed, the two reasons I didn't finish them were because I started to realized my own persona and potential; and I didn't wanted to leave alone the four people I call family, after my own abandoned me for who I am.

You learn to live with those moments and those shadows, and always medical help is there to help you, as well support groups, because you are not alone.There are nights where the nightmares and anxiety just strikes, and the nights become much as the days, a sleepless moment it is hard to keep some functionality going on.

Sometimes when you dream, you have moments where you see those somber times but times and living heal, not fully, but heal. You hear the voices that hurt you, the people who made you sad and those moments where you didn't knew what to do, at the end you wake up but some people they don't and they keep dreaming for all eternity.

Sometimes, I see my shadows, they are not as strong as they were a couple of years ago or even so all my life, I am just happy that I am able to keep breathing and living until the very end of my existence. Never leave people alone if you suspect something is not well with them, as life is only once and some friendships and family members would never come back.